Inventions of Note

Reports of my sizable personal fortune have been modestly exaggerated. No, my precious wife and I do not live in a castle on snob hill. We rent a modest place in Starr Valley, Nevada, and raise kids. Sue has three, I have four, seven- (count 'em again) seven, between us. We always have some, and sometimes a lot...of kids. So I am always on the lookout for ways to make our existence easier, especially about making them all chip in on the chores. Here are a couple of innovations that might help.

Oogla, our Neanderthal sixteen year old, recently broke his mother's favorite bread-mixing bowl. Oogla grunted and pointed excitedly, apparently meaning he washed it successfully, but the heap of dishes and chunks of food already in the drainer prevented a basketball style slam-dunk, so he broke it dribbling back for a three-pointer.

We tried to glue it all back together, but a couple pieces must have fallen in my stew-of-the-week, (jerky and rice) and got lost. It was Humpty-Dumpty deja vu. Oogla was done with his dish washing chores by then, so we went back to killing bugs with a hammer.

Those few of you who are not yet aware of my prowess as an inventor may be surprised to learn that I am not just another pretty face. It is my visionary skill behind those highly successful combination vasectomy clinic-tuxedo rental shops..(Be Impotent, Look Impotent!) -So I know you'll be as excited as I am about my latest invention, "Oogla-ware" ...teenage-dishwasher safe table tools for proper ladies and gentlemen.

The plates will be high tinsel graphite, same as the Lear Jet bodies. I personally tested twenty five Oogla dishes by dropping them eighty stories from a high-rise building recently. None broke, but the sidewalk was chipped severely, and a parking meter was sheared off by a ricochet. Several dishes got kind of messy, but only because those stupid pedestrians wouldn't stay back. For the Viking in the family, the matching bowls will be hand for use as helmets and battering ram tips.

I personally designed and offer gorgeous titanium wine glasses, able to withstand our homemade washing and drying accidents without showing a scratch or a dent. When you give a stirring toast and throw one of these babies across your hearth, it's "Goodby Mr. Fireplace." On the morning after one of these toast-giving parties, just dig your Oogla-glasses out of the ashes and broken chunks of brick, and you'll find they'll be as good as new.

The flatware is not only very, very pretty, but a new design I worked out myself. Each lovely piece is a combination fork and spoon on one end, knife on the other. This greatly simplifies the silverware drawer, eliminating the stupid and confusing divider where your teen dish-doer had to suffer that time consuming job of identifying all those forks, knives, and spoons individually. Grab a couple of these new "knifoons," and you are ready for everything from a crisp tossed salad to large animal surgery. To set merely put one on each side of your Oogla-plate, blades turned in. I tested these by prying up man-hole covers, and they work just dandy.

Oogla bent one, but I still don't know how. I think he was chewing it and fell down.

Have you watched your teen slog through knee-deep dirty clothes and not see them? Suffered the heartbreak and embarrassment of learning the missing airline with 300 doomed passengers...crashed in his bedroom...and he didn't notice?

Let me introduce my cruddy-teen bedroom final solution...Mess-seeing glasses. You and your partner get a pair for each teen and revel in ecstasy as they recoil in horror from all that crap on the floor and walls that they have ignored so well, so long. I suggest the optional lockable full-face motorcycle helmet with the mess-seeing visor. Oogla couldn't get it off, and it was a particular pleasure to watch him notice the fresh-broken brush and damaged fence when he finally gave up trying. You'll also find the built-in scream-dampening muzzle a nice touch when company comes.

For the truly cleaning impaired, I offer parents the last, best hope for a kinder, cleaner household...a seeing-mess dog.